TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2012 – THE SCREAM

from the DEPARTMENT of HAVE YOU DONE THIS?

It was my college years.  I was sleeping… somewhere…  I was flopped down in an empty bed and drifting between layers of consciousness… down the hallway, I heard a group of friends laughing and telling jokes through increasingly loud, drunken voices.

Things got quiet when they realized I had gone off to pass out… but that sudden stillness in the keg room woke me to a more elevated state of alert… I heard them walk down the hall.  I heard them giggle as they prepared to wake me in who-knows-what fashion… all I knew is they were ready to pull me out of bed…  and maybe play-punch… kick.. pour beers on me… but I was ready.  I was sleeping on my side with my back to them… but… oh, man, I was ready…. as soon as I heard them get closer to their move… I was ready… to flip over and jump up and give a yell that would send them into fits of horrific surprise and we would all laugh and have more beer…

And… when they were just about to yank off my blankets and scream with their no-sleeping-til-the-beer-is-done shouts… I QUICKLY TURNED…. FLUNG OFF MY BLANKETS AND LET GO WITH A BIG “YAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!”

ONLY… this just happened this morning.  Well past my college years.  And, oh yeah, it was a dream.  There was no beer, no hallway, no college friends IN the hallway.  The only thing real… was the scream.  My scream.  The “YAAAAAARRRRR!” was real at 4:43 this morning.  I woke up as I was yelling, and heard it echo through my dark apartment.

When I did it in my dream, I was laughing… and yelling… because I couldn’t wait to see the surprise I had wrought as it rippled through my drunk prankster friends… instead… I was in my bed… years later… this morning… the blankets landed on the floor… and I looked at the ceiling and thought… “The neighbors are going to call 9-1-1…”

I waited.  I have apartments above me, to the sides, and below.  Good construction, but you can still hear a loud television or a running shower.  I even heard someone snoring from another floor once.  But THIS… this morning… was a loud “YAAAAARRRRR” (with a weird, squeaky, gurgling “accckkk” sound after it, I couldn’t figure out)…

I’m sure someone heard it.  Thankfully, no one called in the police, ambulance and firetrucks.  Thankfully, however, I wasn’t actually yelling for help because I was having a heart attack, or falling off a chair, or getting my head bashed in by an intruder with a lamp.  Not that I have any lamps that would be able to kill.  I don’t.  Just for that reason.

But I did yell, loud, “YAAAARRRRRR-accckkk” at 4:43 this morning, and I’m sure my condo rules have a rule against that.  I’m just going to pay the fine with my monthly fee charge and not say another word.

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