A doughnut. Or “donut” because that’s three less letters to buy when you are putting up a sign. Anyway, one of those. With maple frosting. And BACON. More below.
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BEHOLD THE PANCAKE AND BACON DOUGHNUT donut… I can’t figure out the human body and what it wants. I like coffee, and I like orange juice. But if you were to pour them together in the same glass and ask me to drink it, I would pass. Maybe call 9-1-1 if you were a stranger and we were in the towel section at Walmart.
Which brings me to my trip to Stratford (CT) last week… I’m always looking for new coffee and doughnut donut places, just in case of emergency… and I saw one on Paradise Green… I think it was a former Donut Inn or however they spell it, but I parked and went inside. Actually, my coffee-addict reflexes beat up my willpower while I was driving and forced me into a parking space. I went inside.
I used to judge a new restaurant on it’s stuffed mushroom appetizers. Then I got sick on a bad mushroom and threw up so much I thought I broke a bone in my neck. Now I don’t eat mushrooms anymore. But, I judge a new coffee place on it’s coffee and one glazed doughnut donut. After that I branch into the chocolate covered doughnut donut and then on to a steady order of the chocolate frosted chocolate doughnut donut.
So, I asked the nice lady behind the counter for a coffee and one glazed doughnut donut.
She said, “How about a pancake and bacon doughnut donut.” More of a statement than a question. As if she were correcting me.
“One coffee and one glazed doughnut donut, please”, I said again.
The nice lady walked to the doughnut donut case and pointed to the ones with the bacon on top.
“People really like these. How about one of these.”
I didn’t really want to explain to her about the mushrooms and the way I try out a new place with the same order everywhere and that’s why I wanted the one coffee and the one glazed doughnut donut because it takes a long time and people behind me get pushy and then I have to tell them the thing about the coffee and the orange juice and how some things just shouldn’t get mixed together…
So I just said… “No, just the glazed”
The nice lady grabbed a bag and put a glazed doughnut donut in there and then put a pancake and bacon doughnut donut in the bag as well and said, “Just give it a try. It’s on the house.”
That’s where I’ll probably throw it, I thought.
I walked outside and did my other thing I always do when I get coffee. I spilled it on myself while I was walking and drinking. There is no travel cup lid or fluid control design that will ever stop me from spilling coffee on myself.
I got in my car and ate the glazed doughnut donut first. It never stood a chance. As I looked inside for any leftover glazed crumbs, there was the stupid pancake and bacon doughnut donut, looking back at me. Ridiculous-looking. A doughnut donut with maple frosting and… not bacon bits, but actual pieces of bacon on top. I was going to throw it out the window but I thought I would take it home and take a picture of it and put the picture here so everyone could see how nuts a doughnut donut with bacon was. So I drove away with it, and thought… maybe I’ll just take a little bite so I can say I tried it.
I finished it before I got to the traffic light. That’s why I had to draw the police-artist quality sketch up there. I only ate it because I was hungry. And I’m going to go back and get another one just to prove to myself how bad they really are. Maybe two.